Thursday, February 24, 2011

Insecurities

Gracious! I've heard it said that motherhood is like handing out pieces of yourself to go walking around outside of your body-so painful and vulnerable and unprotected. It's true! My little guy isn't even walking around and I feel that statement is true!

It seems like everyone these days is asking if Elijah is crawling yet. Apparently, he's "behind" by some standard of normalcy (though reality is that "normal" for crawling is something like between 7 and 13 months. We're not even at 9!). What's ridiculous is that all it takes is people asking me if he should be crawling by now and I jump on this defensiveness track! "Well, he could start crawling anytime in the next several months and still be in a healthy normal range. He is constantly progressing and I can see his little brain mastering new things every day. Why, today he started waving and last week he decided that he likes rolling around and he's been kissing us and he's obviously happy because, well, just look at him! And maybe I DO hold him too much or don't put him on his stomach enough but research shows that all kids pretty much walk around the same time and besides, plenty of kids never crawl at all." *pant pant pant*

I don't think anyone who's asked the crawling question has meant anything by it. If they "criticize," they only want to encourage me to do what's best for him, and they're doing it for our good. They're not implying that I'm a bad mom or that I'm doing a bad job because my kid doesn't have his act together yet. What have I become that I can hear someone comment about their 10 month old's lack of teeth and think, "Well, EZ may not be crawling, but at least he has FOUR teeth!" Like I have anything to do with that? This is not a competition, people!

I have nothing to prove.

God has been speaking to me from Proverbs 3:5-6 lately. This is one of the first verses I ever memorized, back in Sunday School in Aviano. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." God is showing me that trust and anxiety/fear are incompatible. If I am trusting Him, I can't be anxious. Even if my precious son did end up with developmental delays (which we have NO reason to expect), God is trustworthy and has GOOD-His BEST for him. There is NO point in my worrying about these things, or anything else! I can't change things by worrying about them, I might as well do us all a favor and just love every moment of this journey. It is a precious journey, after all, and we won't ever get these days back!

Lesson learned? Well, maybe some day? Baby steps... or...baby rolls.

4 comments:

  1. I agree! People are always asking about baby milestones - and look at me with pity if my son hasn't reached them yet. He'll get there when he gets there. No need to stress about it.

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  2. Motherhood is quite the spiritual journey, isn't it!?

    A friend of mine said something that really struck me when she was talking about making a parenting decision - "I don't want to make choice A out of fear and I don't want to make choice B out of fear." I think that could be applied to sooo many mothering moments I have had, all the way back to trying to even get pregnant. I wish I had had more of that mindset during actual labor and delivery too. Seems almost impossible at times, but I TRUST (so funny that the very same verse you quoted is one I have been meditating on for the last week or so) that God will show me how to make confident decisions in Him and His provision and not out of fear. I appreciate reading your vulnerable thoughts - it is so like I am just reading my own! :)

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  3. so good Cat - thanks for sharing! I actually was reflecting on that verse yesterday thinking how I have known it all these years but do I really KNOW it. oh man, I am taking baby rolls in progress with you :) love your heart, thanks for sharing the journey with me, what a blessing

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  4. i love you.

    i remember learning that verse with you. we had pictures.

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