I was talking with a friend this week and I realized something. I have been holding myself back from getting excited about certain things to protect myself from potentially getting disappointed. This is NOT how I want to live, I don't think it's very healthy or very fun, but I noticed it in several areas. A small example:
--my new iphone! I knew I needed to upgrade my cell phone (it died the DAY before we had already planned to go trade it in-how's that for God's perfect timing?!?!) and James thought I should get an iphone. I was excited but acted pretty reserved about it, just in case it didn't work out. Maybe we misunderstood the cost (did you know the 4s is only $100 now that the new ones are out?!?!) and we wouldn't be willing to afford it. Maybe the store wouldn't let me have one (I have realized that this fear is seeded in a few bad experiences with our last cell phone company where that is exactly what happened-I went in for an upgrade that one employee had promised me and then it was a big hassle and I didn't get the phone). It was like I was protecting myself, so I didn't let myself get excited about it, or even plan to have one, until I walked out with that phone in my hands.
The real example:
--Elijah's schooling-I know we are still years away from Elijah being ready to enroll in school. As I anticipate that time, though, of course, there are several options. Public school, private school, homeschool...well, a couple years ago, I heard of a certain type of school that I thought was AMAZING. Basically it's a classical university model school, where students attend this private school 2-3 days a week, and study at home the other 2-3 days a week. The teachers at the school assign work, give assessments, etc, but the parents are also very involved with teaching, as well as review and practice, etc. I LOVE this idea! It feels to me like the ideal hybrid. I would LOVE to be deeply involved in my children's education, and I think homeschooling would be really awesome. But I also love the idea of my children getting the benefits of the organized system-an established school obviously has more resources and opportunities of certain types than I would have access to as an individual parent. Plus, there's the lovely idea of a couple days "free" each week... And it's a classical education, which isn't hugely important to me, but definitely sounds good. Well, a friend of mine here in College Station is working on starting one of these schools! I should be over the moon, right? These aren't super common, and now my kids could have the chance to attend one!!! No, instead, my thought process is so reserved. "Well, we'll see. I don't know if that's even what we'll choose to do..." I realized this week that I'm trying to keep my emotions out of the pictures because I'm afraid we WON'T get to be a part of this! I know private school is expensive and it sounds like such a silly thing to spend money on when I could educate them at home for significantly less. And no, we don't know yet which direction God is calling us, but I think that it IS okay for me to have a hope and a desire. It is YEARS away and we have NO idea what God will speak, but if He does call us to the classical university model school, He will make a way, and I don't need to pretend I don't want it-that's not living in faith, that's living in fear!
Those are my thoughts about this...and an attempt at being real-I would LOVE for my kids to get to attend this school. Years down the road! :)